Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Mitt's 5-Point Plan

I was sitting around getting sicker and sicker of political ads tonight, so I thought I'd take what I've learned over the past six months about Mitt Romney, and apply that knowledge to his plan to save our American soul.

Mitt’s 5-point plan is as follows:

1. Become energy independent by 2020.
2. Boost trade by opening new markets.
3. Make our schools better
4. Cut the deficit
5. Become the Small Business champion

How will he accomplish these lofty goals? 

Well he has lots of ideas, because, after all, he is a successful businessman who also happened to save the Olympic movement. He will work across the aisles and seek sage wisdom from his beautiful wife and delightful children. He will bring a dog to the White House.

He will open up all of America for drilling, baby, and build new pipelines across America’s bread-basket. He will rid our country of silly regulations that keep coal companies from easily extracting their livelihood from mountaintops.

He will give every student a great teacher and quality school by hiring the best and brightest from all over the world. He’ll train the poors to do the low-wage service jobs of the new age. He’ll snap his fingers and make higher education more affordable and effective.

He’s going to put a stop to China’s unfair trading and open new markets all over the world for our stuff, especially in Latin America. Those people love our stuff.

He’s going with Greece-lite by cutting 5% right off the top of our discretionary spending and cap all federal spending 20% below that of which the entire new economy all over the world grows to boost our small businesses and create new jobs. He’ll bust those nasty money-hoarding unions and get rid of the ridiculous 5 day/40 hour work week.

He will put a chicken in every small business owner’s pot and get rid of Obama’s care plan.

His plan is all about faith.