This I Believe

This I Believe

I’ve been listening to NPR shows for most of my life, and you would be hard pressed to find a bigger fan of such shows as Wait Wait… Don’t tell Me, Car Talk, and Thistle and Shamrock. I enjoy listening to the NPR talk shows like Talk of the Nation and The Diane Rehm Show. Yet despite all of the positive attributes of all the NPR shows, there is one spot on one show that I simply can’t stand. It’s called This I Believe.

This I Believe is a joint program between Atlantic Public Media, This I Believe Inc, and NPR. Each Sunday on Weekend Edition Sunday, a new This I Believe essay is narrated for us. Often the essay’s stray into the land of blind pretentiousness. This week’s essay, I Am Evolution, was more annoying than average and ends with this admonition,

So I believe evolution.
I feel it. I breathe it. I listen to evolution, I observe it and I do evolution. I write, study, analyze, scrutinize and collect evolution. I am evolution.

In America, people are free to believe what they wish to believe, and Holly Dunsworth is no different. Like her, I believe in evolution. Like her, I believe the evidence is overwhelming. However, unlike her, I have not become evolution. I do evolve, but I have not evolved into evolution.

So I’d like to take a few moments of your time to share with you what I believe.

I Am Better Than You

I know something that you don’t know. In fact, I know many things about which you haven’t a clue. You see, I am better than you.

I was born almost 48 years ago, and even at birth I knew more than other babies. I knew not only how to suckle but how to attain climatic suckling pleasure by swishing the soft folds of my blanket “bah” between my thumb and forefinger while I drank bottles of milk. No other babies knew that. I did. I knew more than them.

Later, when I was six years old, I learned that you can't use left-handed scissors when you are right-handed. Further, I came to know where golf balls hid and where certain turtles slept on rocks beside lakes. Oh, yes I knew more than that other kids my age.

I know things. Things that others call trivial, I call base. People who don’t know things blindly dismiss what they can’t fathom as trivia. I was on Klassroom Kwiz. While others got onto the show because they earned fantastic grades, I never bothered with those. Instead, I earned my way on by “surprisingly” doing well on a trivia test. Again, people who don’t know, trivialize trivia.

When I tell a story, it’s a story that must be heard. When I drive my car, my mission is more important that yours because it’s mine. That's why I use my bright lights at night no matter where I'm going because my errand takes precedence. I seek shortcuts, because shortcuts free me from interacting with lesser people. When I used to smoke, I'd toss my butts. They'd just clutter my car if I used the ashtray. When approaching a yield sign, I go. People must clear away from me.

I am a fascinating person while you have social flaws. I love with a rare passion. I laugh with gusto. I walk with anointed purpose.

You don’t know all that I know. You don’t hold a candle to me. I am knowledge. I drink it. I breathe it. I just know it. I am singularly important. Without the slightest doubt, I know that I am better than you. That’s what I believe…and that’s the truth.