Beating the Carnival Losers
Summer is almost upon the northern hemisphere, and summertime means carnival time. All across
Despite the dangers and pitfalls, it is possible to beat the carnival barker at some of his games. If a person is armed with knowledge of what “games” to avoid and special tips for winning winnable games, a person can beat the barker at his own game.
Winning Winnable Games
In order to win winnable games, a player must understand what the barker is attempting to do to you. His mission is to prod you to open your wallet to play his game one time. Then once he has the hook into you, he will begin a psychological breakdown of your financial defenses. His main technique is to access your inherent pride. A potential contestant must mask his feelings and approach winnable games with a gunslinger’s calm before the big shoot-out. All attempts to access his psyche must be calmly blunted and jovially rebuffed. Barkers don’t trust contestant jocularity.
The other key to winning winnable games is to remember to control velocity. Most games require the contestant to toss or project something toward something to affect some action. The secret is to slow down. Barkers count on studs to waddle up to the counter, whip out their chained billfold, and fire away with a testosterone rush. Winners take lessons from “The Tortoise and the Hare”- slow and steady wins the day.
Armed with the two secrets to bust games, let’s take a look at several winnable games.
The Cat Rack (AKA Clown Toss) is an excellent game for the knowledgeable contestant to win. Basically, the targets, cats or clowns, are situated on three horizontal and parallel racks about fifteen feet from the front counter. Game players usually pay $2 for three balls. To win the top shelf stuffed animal, the player must knock down three cats or clowns. These creatures are made of cloth material surrounding a hinged paddle. The head of the cat or clown is usually adorned with wild, fuzzy hair that fills the space between the creatures. Many people think the game is rigged, but it isn’t. If struck solidly by a ball, the cat or clown will tumble effortlessly backwards; however, most wild, high velocity tosses end up blasting through the mane of the cat or the hair of the clown. Remember calm and velocity are the keys to winning. A player should order the balls, calmly step to the counter and strike a frozen dart tossing pose. Right-handed people should place their left foot slightly forward and cock their right arm high above their right shoulder as if about to toss a dart. After taking a deep breath and slowly letting the air escape, the winning contestant then releases the ball like a well-aimed dart at the center of a cat or clown on the middle of the middle row. Assuming a solid strike, the cat or clown will fall. Repeat this procedure for each of the three tosses. Keep one thing in mind, however. The carnival wins either way. Stuffed animals offered on the top shelf generally cost less than the cost of the game. So even in losing, the carnival has tipped the game in their favor.
Break-A-Plate is a game that has mostly fallen out of the carnival scene in these modern times. It is another throwing game where contestants purchased the right to throw three solid baseballs from behind a counter toward huge racks of unglazed plates. The object is to break or crack any three plates (one plate per ball only). Again this is a psychological game usually successfully played by the carnival. Their idea is to attract aggressive 21 year old studs walking past the booth hand-in-hand with their 15 year old girlfriends. The sound of crashing and smashing plates instantly draws them in and magically opens their wallet. The girl’s eyes, raking the line of attractive and brilliant stuffed animals, prompt her to prod her man. The testosterone-laced man then plunks down the cash, leaving his wallet open for more abuse, picks up the balls, and fires them in rapid succession at the plates. He generally will hit one or two plates, shattering them in glorious destruction, but the odds are heavily against him nailing all three.
The way to win at Break-A-Plate is to take the same approach as with the cat Rack/Clown Toss game. Position yourself in a dart throwing pose. Usually a savvy operator will interject at this point that you really have to hum that ball up there. Ignore him. Take your cleansing breath and the surgically fling the ball toward your target. You will need somewhat more velocity than you used with the cats, but you do not want to go into a full wind-up. Throw from the top of the normal throwing motion. Continue your surgical strikes until you’ve cracked three plates. Enjoy your plush prize. Again beware that the park wins when you play. The wholesale cost of the animals is about as much as the game fee.
On a side note, Break-A-Plate isn’t as popular these days because it requires intense reclamation about every two weeks because broken plates will pile up. That means shoveling broken plates into a truck by under-paid and uninspired game attendants. Also, it really isn’t convenient to travel this game from town to town at today’s modern carnivals.
My personal favorite game to win is the Radar Gun game. Carnivals, always looking for a clever edge, began using JUGS guns, those devices used to measure the speed of a baseball pitch, to attract the testosterone-amped males towing fifteen year-old girlfriends. The object of the game is to throw an ordinary baseball at a tarp with a large bull’s-eye painted on it. After each of the first two throws, the pitch speed is flashed on a digital display for all to see (known in the business as flashing the game…same as plates smashing into bits, and cats falling over). Before the final throw, the contestant must guess the speed of that toss. If he nails it, he wins. Usually, a generous and friendly carnival game attendant will encourage a person to play by offering a free toss. Typical testosterone male responds by flinging the ball against the tarp with all the tobacco juice spitting effort he can muster to prove he can post a 100mph fastball. Rarely does a non-professional person get the ball over 70 mph. Personally, I usually only managed about 60 mph when hurling my best.
To win, remember the object of the game and the secrets I’ve unveiled. Cleansing breath. Dart pose. Launch the ball toward the target; be sure to apply just enough force to feel confident it will impact the target. Note the speed on the display. Then repeat the process. Try to maintain the exact same velocity or perhaps even provide just a fraction more. Again note the speed. If you’re careful, the ball speed will either be exactly the same or a mile per hour faster. Before the final toss, the huckster’s true self will bubble forth, and he will try to subtly interrupt your stream of consciousness. Ignore him. Maintain your pose. Make your speed prediction calmly. Even if your first two pitches were the same or if you’ve trended upward (a game I like to play), make your guess 1 mph greater that the speed of your last pitch. Last pitches, despite all calming influences you exert, tend to launch with a bit more excitement, because so much is on the line. With good technique and just a little luck, you’ll be sporting a shiny new major league baseball cheap plastic batting helmet and the enduring affection of a beautiful fifteen year old babe all for tossing a 22 mph “fast ball.”
To win at the Horse Racing Squirt Gun game requires a bit of stalking. Another variation of this game is the “Squirt Water in the Creepy Clown’s Mouth to Inflate a Balloon Attached to His Eerie Head” game (SWCCMIBAHEH). As an attendant and as a contestant, I hate these race games. They’re loud (flash again), wet, and annoying. However, with proper planning and technique, they are very winnable. Usually, the prizes aren’t very great, slum mostly. “Slum” is the carnival term for very cheap prizes that cost virtually nothing to give away. Basically, the game runs when the minimum number of contestants (usually 3 or 4) enter the race. Then the attendant starts the game and people aim their powered squirt guns at a target. The better they aim, the faster their horse runs (or balloon inflates). The winner is the first to have his horse cross the finish line (or balloon pop)
To win, a little advanced scouting is required. Watch the game closely through several game cycles to see which guns tend to win the most. Look for a player with a pile of slum treasure who is parked at certain spot. Watch closely and learn. Know where to aim. Know how the guns react when the game is turned on. Only enter the race if the best gun is available and if the contest has few people. Sometimes attendants will give better prizes if there are more players. That being a given, securing the best gun is even more important. Just prior to race time, take your cleansing breath. Find a relaxed and sturdy firing position. Channel winning thoughts through your brain. Be ready to jump on the start and blast away. With proper training, you can train your reaction time to be quicker than the other contestants. That initial jump is the key to winning, assuming you have the best gun and the best aim.
Hard to Win Games
Carnivals tend to have a reputation as being crooked, and they come by that reputation honestly. Many of the games out there are rigged in such a way that it is impossible or nearly impossible to win. You can usually, but not always, spot these games by looking at the quality of prize being offered. If they are offering a giant panda ($150 wholesale) for a prize, you be assured that it will be virtually impossible to win.
Basket Game
This is a game where the player tosses a hard plastic “softball” into a rigid, tightly strung, straw laundry basket that is tilted toward the player at exactly a 23 degree angle. The object of the game is to get two or three (depending on the prize) of the balls to come to rest inside the basket. If three are placed in the basket, a giant stuffed animal is the prize. These are rarely given away.
The game is rigged against the contestant in several ways. First of all the precise angle of the basket tends to cause tossed balls to rim out of the basket. Secondly, the rigidity of the basket acts as a rebound mechanism, spitting balls tossed with velocity right out. Third, the hard plastic softball reacts in concert with the rigid straw basket. The distance from the basket to the contestant is important because the contestant will not be able to toss the ball with low enough velocity to get it to stick inside. Finally, if a contestant is lucky enough to get the ball to stick in the basket, the attendant will quickly clear the ball from the basket.
This game can be won in only two ways, pure luck or improper game design.
Quarter Pitch
Back in the day, this game was called Dime Pitch, but times change. However, the basics of the game haven’t. It’s a really simple and addicting game. Take your spare change and toss it onto a display of stacked glassware. The object is to get your quarter to come to rest on a plate. If you do, then you win your choice of glassware or even more valuable prizes. This is one game where the operators are confident you’ll lose, because they’ve made it virtually impossible to win. Here’s how they do it. Several times an hour when no one is around the game, operators discretely spray the plate surfaces with a milky silicone solution. Then they wipe the plates to a glossy shine. Any quarter that even remotely thinks of coming to rest on a plate will simply slide off. Of course, rigging a game in this manner is immoral and against the law.
The game can be won, but only by luck, lack of silicone on a humid day, or by perfectly executing an extremely difficult maneuver. I wouldn’t recommend this unless you just have some change to blow, because it is not guaranteed to work. Simply lob the quarter so high that it comes into contact with the ceiling of the booth. With luck, it will fall straight down and onto a plate without any spin. Some operators anticipate this maneuver by posting “No Rebound” signs. I like to respond to their calling attention to that sign by saying, “Slicking plates is against the law and would cause all of the games in the park to be shut down if reported to the authorities.” If you still can’t try the ceiling toss, you can try to toss the coin as high as possible without contact, but the more arc on the toss, the less of a chance it will have of sticking to a slippery plate.
Basketball Game
I can win the Basketball Game, because I have special knowledge and skills, but the average player is shut out of winning by several gimmicks. The game is simple. Make three out of three shots and win valuable prizes. However, the operators make this extremely difficult to almost impossible by using a non-standard rim. This special rim is a small non-regulation size only slightly greater than the diameter of the ball. Also, the rim is built of a double reinforced heavy-duty metal that has absolutely no flexibility. A normal rim is situated ten feet high. This rim is placed at twelve feet. The ball, however, is perfectly regulation sized and normal. The only way to win is to be a really good free throw shooter and to have a very high, soft arc on the shot. Shaq would have no shot.
Machine Gun
This game is falling from favor at traveling carnivals due to safety concerns. Since it uses high powered BB guns, all it takes is one whacko to spray a crowd with a hail of lead. However, it still can be found at grimier carnivals.
The object of the game is to take a machine gun loaded with 100 lead pellets and blast a red star off of a paper target fifteen feet away. In theory, the game should be winnable, but there are several things the operators do to rig the game against the player. First there is a little sign always posted that says “All red must be removed from target.” When testosterone male comes to the game and blasts away at the target, blowing the star away, the operator will then carefully inspect the target on both sides for even the smallest micro fiber left behind. The red fibers tend to get bent behind the target by the round shot. One fiber left behind means a loss. To thwart the more careful marksman, the sights on the gun a adjusted so that they are slightly off. This, of course, is against the law, but it’s common practice. The only way to win this game is to surgically fire one shot at a time with these semi-automatic BB guns. The premise is to carve a ring around the star, so that the whole thing falls out in one piece. With crooked sights, this is difficult to accomplish.
Bust the Bottles
Another ball tossing game, Milk Bottles is virtually impossible to win. The operators stack the odds heavily against the player two ways. First, the ball is softball sized but very lightweight. It’s a hard plastic core wrapped in a vinyl skin and designed to look like a softball. About fifteen feet away is a platform with three “milk bottles.” Of course, they were never milk bottles. Instead, they are made from metal and injected with lead on the bottom to make them very bottom heavy. Zipping the hard plastic softball at the lead bottomed bottles has virtually no impact on them. A player, who manages to know one off the platform, will simply not be able to know the other two off.
I’ve never found a way to win this game other than the occasional lucky toss.
Balloon Dart Game
It looks innocent enough. Anyone can toss darts at balloons, but it’s made extremely difficult by carnival. The rigging comes in two ways. First the darts used to toss at the balloons are ground down on an abrasive surface before they are put into service. A dull dart will most likely deflect off a balloon. Secondly, the balloons are affixed to the soft board by being pinned below the balloon’s knot. Thus, the balloons flop around on the board. When a dart strikes a balloon, which happens on virtually every toss, the dart begins to slide off. The generous flopping balloon reacts in an equal and opposite manner and slides to the side. The only way to win this game is to go against my whole system of winning. Throw the dart as hard as you can. You might pop a balloon or two.
Games that you Lose if you Win
Weight Game
It’s not rigged. It’s not hard to win. You just get slum for a prize.
Birthday Game
This is an exciting gambling game, and it’s not rigged. It operates on a probability model. With fourteen to sixteen places to place money on the board, chances are that a person won’t win. If the board is filled, someone will win a nice plush toy, but that also means that the operator collects between $3.50 and $4.00 per round. Since plush toys cost around $1.50 to $2.00, the operator wins. Crowded Birthday Games are like shark feeding frenzies, and are easily the greatest game excitement in a park.
Duck Pond
This is the game to play if you’ve lost everything else. Designed to create game addicts out of kids, Duck Ponds offer winners every time (slum) and an occasional plush toy awards. Duck Pond is good for your male pride.
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