The Weight Game
I spent 5 summers working the games at
My first assignment was the “Dime Pitch.” 
Basically my job was to stand inside the box shaped counter area and give change for a dollar. Contestants would try to land a dime on an illegally silicon-slicked plate to win gigantic stuffed animals. Every now and then, my boss would zip past and give a wink-wink. He'd pull me over to the side and quietly whisper into my ear (usually had a moist moustache), "Be sure to wipe the plates every hour." Dutifully, I'd spray the glass with my milky white cleaner. They loved my work; I never gave away a single big animal.
One day, the big boss switched me to “The Weight Game,” right next to the Spider, one of
The big boss encouraged me to use the microphone which was connected to a small amplifier under one of the weight game’s prize shelves to bark at the people as they would stroll past. He modeled the method for me and then just turned me loose. Within a week, I was the loudest mouth in the park.
The microphone’s speaker was located in a large sycamore tree about ten feet away from the game, which allowed me to use some excellent ventriloquist –like bits to entice the passing hoards. Armed with a microphone and some nerve, I began to rake in big time money. I seem to remember busting close to $1,000 one “Conway Twitty” Saturday, a record sum on that game. “Twitty Days” at the park came once a summer, when the amazingly popular country star took
The Weight Game wasn't rigged at all; however, the game was set up in the park's favor. We charged 25 cents, 50 cents, or $1.00 to play. Each level had the potential for a particular prize award. My boss assured me my first day on the game that it didn't matter if I won or lost. The cheap prizes, officially known in the business as SLUM, cost less than a nickel a piece. Our best prizes at that game generally cost us about 25 cents. I was a proud guesser, however, and I wanted to be the best weight guesser in the country, so I worked on refining my technique. Hard work paid off. By the time I was moved to another “mouth game,” I was hitting around 80% of my guesses.
Over the two summers that I almost exclusively worked “The Weight Game,” two specific guesses remain etched in my mind.
One day a withered old lady walked up to the game. She was skinny with tired, stringy gray hair. Her faced was wrinkled and pruned. She walked up to me and smiled a toothless grin and said, "Gufsess mi age." I knew I was in trouble. This lady easily looked 70 years old. She was so unkept and obviously had experienced eons of hard times. Even though I was a certified and professional huckster, I was kinder and gentler than most. So in the moment that she requested my entertainment services, I took pity on this poor, broken woman. Like a Grinch who found his heart, I decided to make her day and guess young...purposely losing. So I carefully looked her over and began to put her through my best guessing entertainment routine. She smiled a vacant, intellectually challenged grin.
"57 years old," I said firmly. I confidently knew that she might just break into joyous laughter.
What happened instead was immediate and painful! That sweet, smiling lady, who had obviously had a rough life, hauled off and smacked the tar out of me! HARD!
"I'm 37 years old!!! HERE's my driver's license!!!" She was screaming at me, enraged, and had to be dragged away by her family to keep from slugging me repeatedly. She never did pick out her prize. Baffled and bruised, I ducked away from here and hid behind the prize counter until she disappeared in Twittyness.
The other weight memory was also conceived through compassion. My scale was absolutely accurate. It was able to register any weight up to 310 pounds. Surprisingly, it wasn't rigged in any way.
One afternoon, a “Conway Twitty Day,” this absolutely HUGE lady stopped by the game. I instantly knew...anyone would know that this lady would tip the scale. In fact, I believe she would have almost tipped a 400 lb. or 500 lb. scale for that matter. But she seemed sweet enough.
"Guess Mi Wate," she chuckled. In fact, she couldn't stop giggling. She seemed to have a silly confidence that she was about to win it all!
I should have known. I should have been prepared for what was coming, but again I let compassion get in the way. I decided to make her feel better by under-guessing her weight. So I sized her up. Had her spin around a couple of times-usual routine. Then I looked at the scale. Looked at her. Looked at the scale...looked at her, all designed for intense dramatic effect to please the huge crowd that had coalesced around my game.
"265 lbs," I said firmly.
The result was instantaneous, and the magnitude of the response was intense. The large lady suddenly began shrieking, screaming joyously. She immediately grabbed my skinny little body and began shaking me around in her flabby arms like a rag doll. Then she began planting wet, toothless, slobbery kisses all over my face. "You're so sweet!!! She yelled over and over for The Conway Twitty Day crowd to hear. Victoriously, she leaped onto the scale, and the needle went bezerk and immediately spun all the way round to solidly rested on 310 lbs, being blocked from going any further. The large lady leaped off with savvy NFL lineman-like quickness and locked me in another bear hug, practically smothering life from my puny lungs. Then after selecting a blue rabbit’s foot or something equally slum-like, she leaped away blowing kisses at me the whole way. I remember staggering back to my scale feeling a bit violated, but strangely content.
3 comments:
I seem to remember Joel mentioning this game. And that you found it to be a great way to meet girls.
True enough, that Joel remembered well. There's no better way to pick up girls than to start off the relationship by guessing their weight. Women love that! ;) What Joel should have told you is that I used to work the Weight Game and try to pick up girls and that I would have tried to pick up girls even if I was picking up cigarette butts in the parking lot, too.
Great to read about Lakeside. I wasn't in the area at the time but I've heard so much about it since I moved here.
Thank you for sharing your memories!
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