I'm the proud owner of a healthy colon!
What a fantastic experience!
I'm the worrying sort. I tend to stress myself out. Luckily, I think my new Sertraline prescription is really helping me put things in perspective.
So the way a colonoscopy works, in case you don't know and are curious, is that you have a day of prep to clean your bowel out. My prep day was yesterday, Father's day-which made for a rather bland celebration. You aren't allowed to eat starting at midnight on prep day. Then at noon, you have to take two women's laxatives. These begin your bathroom journeys as they start the emptying process. Once you are emptied, you then have to drink a half gallon of lemon-lime flavored sea water in 8 oz increments over the course of an hour or so to cleanse the whole track. Next, as Dave Barry explains, the nuclear detonation begins. It's like your rear end becomes a garden hose turned to the jet spray setting. This lasts for about two hours or until the sea water is eliminated. Surprisingly, I found the nuclear detonation rather exhilarating and the seawater not so bad. I'm glad I chose lemon-lime instead of orange or cherry flavorings.
Last night, after the explosions calmed, I slept like a baby. No worries. I woke up fresh, rested, and a-rearing to go.
The procedure prep was normal. IV lines, BP check. Embarrassing gown donned. Then I was wheeled into the room. I told the male nurse to "...be gentle with me."
He replied, "Because this is your first time, right?"
"I guess you've heard that one before."
"Yup. I've heard just about everything in my career. One guy even wrote on his butt with a Sharpie, 'Do Not Enter!'"
Once in the room, the female nurse introduced herself to me, and I introduced myself using the name "Jim Swanson." She looked at me strangely, and I said, "Just pulling your leg...my name is really ______." She chuckled shallowly, and I noticed that she made a point to check my wrist ID tag to be sure. Then the sleep lady gave me something, and I began dreaming of bears.
An hour later I awoke. The nurse asked me to pass a lot of gas, and I unabashedly obliged. I was amazed at how loud I was. I've always been a champion gas-passer, winning many contests at Boy Scout summer camp back in my youth. I was also amazed how quickly the sleep tonic wore off. In fact, as I staggered out of the place ten minutes later, I assured my wife that I could drive. She just laughed.
The meeting with the doctor went well. Only one polyp, which he felt was benign and thus burned into polyp oblivion. The rest of my colon looked grate!
So here I sit at home, one hour removed from waking up, with my writing creative juices flowing, and food about to go in my body for the first time since 6pm Saturday. Life is good.
Remember June is Men's Health Month. If you are over 50, sign up for one of the screenings. It's fun!
I'm the worrying sort. I tend to stress myself out. Luckily, I think my new Sertraline prescription is really helping me put things in perspective.
So the way a colonoscopy works, in case you don't know and are curious, is that you have a day of prep to clean your bowel out. My prep day was yesterday, Father's day-which made for a rather bland celebration. You aren't allowed to eat starting at midnight on prep day. Then at noon, you have to take two women's laxatives. These begin your bathroom journeys as they start the emptying process. Once you are emptied, you then have to drink a half gallon of lemon-lime flavored sea water in 8 oz increments over the course of an hour or so to cleanse the whole track. Next, as Dave Barry explains, the nuclear detonation begins. It's like your rear end becomes a garden hose turned to the jet spray setting. This lasts for about two hours or until the sea water is eliminated. Surprisingly, I found the nuclear detonation rather exhilarating and the seawater not so bad. I'm glad I chose lemon-lime instead of orange or cherry flavorings.
Last night, after the explosions calmed, I slept like a baby. No worries. I woke up fresh, rested, and a-rearing to go.
The procedure prep was normal. IV lines, BP check. Embarrassing gown donned. Then I was wheeled into the room. I told the male nurse to "...be gentle with me."
He replied, "Because this is your first time, right?"
"I guess you've heard that one before."
"Yup. I've heard just about everything in my career. One guy even wrote on his butt with a Sharpie, 'Do Not Enter!'"
Once in the room, the female nurse introduced herself to me, and I introduced myself using the name "Jim Swanson." She looked at me strangely, and I said, "Just pulling your leg...my name is really ______." She chuckled shallowly, and I noticed that she made a point to check my wrist ID tag to be sure. Then the sleep lady gave me something, and I began dreaming of bears.
An hour later I awoke. The nurse asked me to pass a lot of gas, and I unabashedly obliged. I was amazed at how loud I was. I've always been a champion gas-passer, winning many contests at Boy Scout summer camp back in my youth. I was also amazed how quickly the sleep tonic wore off. In fact, as I staggered out of the place ten minutes later, I assured my wife that I could drive. She just laughed.
The meeting with the doctor went well. Only one polyp, which he felt was benign and thus burned into polyp oblivion. The rest of my colon looked grate!
So here I sit at home, one hour removed from waking up, with my writing creative juices flowing, and food about to go in my body for the first time since 6pm Saturday. Life is good.
Remember June is Men's Health Month. If you are over 50, sign up for one of the screenings. It's fun!
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