Elf Envy

Elf Envy

In medieval Sweden, valerian root was sometimes placed in the wedding clothes of the groom to ward off the "envy" of the elves.

Rita had obviously been having a long day behind the pharmacy counter at the box store today. As I waited my turn to get to the front of the line, I heard her exhale loudly before offering me an insincere, “May I help you?”

Since my birthday on Friday, I’ve been battling what I had originally thought was allergies. By Sunday night, I was miserable and was forced to sleep propped up in bed so that all of the gunk in my lungs could drain to my toes. This downward action, apparently, upset my touchy right ankle which inexplicably began to throb.

I persevered for a half day at school on Monday because we were giving the official state mathematics test. Teachers aren’t allowed to be sick on those days. Well, actually, it’s just frowned upon since you have to receive special training to proctor these annoying tests. I went home immediately after the test and rested up for an evening retirement reception which my local education was hosting. As MC, I knew I’d have to be “up.”

The event went well. There were hoards of people. My local school division was forced to offer early retirement packages to our teaching force in the hopes that enough of us would leave the profession that they could eliminate our jobs and therefore save the county lots of money so that regular people wouldn’t have to have their real estate taxes raised a few cents. Their plan has worked perfectly. We’ve never had so many teachers retire at once. It’s a mass exodus of vast experience. All in all, while I’m very happy for my colleagues who are escaping to have a life of their own, I’m saddened by their loss.

When I returned home, I was completely exhausted both mentally and physically. I had already decided to take today off and recuperate. I also needed to visit the doctor, or rather my nurse practitioner, to get my blood pressure prescription renewed. I’m not a big fan of “my doctor.” In fact, I try to avoid seeing him. I do like the NP’s that I’ve met, however.

The nurse practitioner and I had a pleasant conversation. She didn’t beat me over the head and tell me to drop twenty pounds. She listened to my chest and took my pulse and didn’t make one comment about the round contoured texture of my chest and stomach.

After some discussion, she gave me three prescriptions: my regular meds for the blood pressure, one oxy-something for the painful ankle, and one antibiotic for any potential lung infection. I tried to talk her out of the Z-Pack, but she insisted that we should just “knock this baby out right now.”

So I took my prescription sheet and headed over to my neighborhood big box store pharmacy where I waited for Rita to acknowledge me.

After snatching my prescriptions from me, Rita took a breath, sighed again, and told me that they’d be ready in about 45 minutes (about was the operative word). So with that much time to kill, I walked over to the local big box electronics store and looked at …electronics. After about a half hour, I went back to my car and drove a short distance to another large big box store and rooted around in the candy section where I found a large movie theater-sized box of chocolate covered raisins for just a dollar! I was the second in line in the “ten items or less” line and waited about fifteen minutes to make it to the front of the line.

As I walked out into the parking lot, I quickly opened my box of chocolate covered raisins, expecting the box to be crammed full of the delightful treats. Instead, I found a little plastic bag filled with just a few of them. Sure I was disappointed, but ultimately, I didn’t care. I was relaxed and just wasting time anyway. Although I was getting a little bit hungry.

I went directly back to the box store that housed my pharmacy and decided to try their sweet smelling popcorn. I’ve gone to that store many years now, but have never tried the popcorn. In fact, I thought that it might actually be free. But to my surprise, I found that it cost exactly $1.10 with tax added in. So I forked over the money and headed back out to the parking lot to munch on my snack. I figured Rita could use the time, even though the 45 minutes had long since passed.

By the time I got back in, Rita was frantically pacing back and forth dealing with customers while the pharmacist carried on animated conversations on the phone. I got her attention, gave her my name, and she checked the completed order pile and couldn’t find it. I told her that she may not have completed the order yet and sure enough she went over to her incomplete pile and found it. “You’re next.” she said.

In medieval Sweden, valerian root was sometimes placed in the wedding clothes of the groom to ward off the "envy" of the elves.

I didn’t actually know that about valerian root then, but I did spend considerable time over the next few minutes studying the herbal supplement section of the big box store. I looked at the incredible glucosamine gel cap deal ($10.99! for 100 caps). I looked for things that would make me regular, lower my blood pressure, and help me grow unwanted facial hair. There was a clearance deal on “long” Trojan condoms. I guess long is in short supply. I’m not sure I’d purchase my condoms on the clearance rack.

The bottle of valerian root was very seductive. It was Milk of Magnesia electric blue with VALERIAN ROOT written in plain script on the label. Then in a soothing green rectangle, it had the word, “Relaxing...”

“Hmmmm” I thought. “Valerian Root…relaxing…I like relaxing…I’ve been stressed out lately…relaxing…hmmmm…that’d be nice…only $5.99 for 100 gel caps…hmmm.”

I went over to the metallic bench near the counter and sat down with my bottle of valerian root. Relaxing. My seat offered a view of the two pharmacy workers. Rita continued to rush back and forth in the cramped quarters between her computer and the cash register talking to herself or phantom customers. Jamie, I didn’t know his name at the time, stood by the phone resplendent in his white pharmacist coat and colorful tie and carried on conversations over the phone with people who obviously had serious medical prescription questions. Jamie patiently answered every one and raised a few questions himself.

Finally, after waiting about two hours total, Rita called me over and grumped, “Ready.”

Thoroughly relaxed, I hauled myself and my bottle of valerian root over to the counter where I was met by Rita. As she began to ring up my order, Jamie popped over. He immediately launched into a ten-minute lecture about my medications.

“This one can be taken without a meal and this one must have a meal and this one needs at least a snack but they can all be taken with food but you need to take this one twice the first time and then once a day afterwards but the others are taken either once or twice during the day according to the bottle. I like to advise my customers to think of your stomach as a sandwich (so do I…I love sandwiches). You take in a little food, and then add a layer of medication. Add another layer of food, add another medication. You keep doing that until you’re done with your medications. Never take the medications on an empty stomach.”

Jamie’s thoughtful direction relaxed me and made me feel as though I could truly confide in him. So I piped up, “What do you know about valerian root? It says it will help me relax…what do you think?”

Jamie’s face shriveled up in a contorted frown. “No,” he said while shaking his head and giving me a thumbs down. “You know my background was as an herbalist, and I know a lot about these things. You never know what you’re getting in these bottles. I mean some kid in Africa was probably paid 5 cents a day to pick the root and who knows what they would pick. They’d probably pick a bunch of chickweed as soon as pick valerian root. I mean there’s no regulation in the field. You generally get what you pay for. The more expensive herbs are likely to be the best quality. I mean they smell better, taste better and look like they’re supposed to look. You’ve just got to educate yourself. That’s the key. Educate yourself. In fact, I got this website you can check out.”

I nodded. Jamie scrawled the address out on a couple of pieces of pink “Love The Lord Your God With All Your Heart” note paper. Rita shoved a pen in my hand, made me sign for my order, and took my money.

“You know back in the old days, snake-oil salesmen used to peddle their liniments and oils from the back of a wagon claiming that they could heal whatever ails you. What do we got now?” He continued.

I nodded.

“We got a mess… that’s what we got. Hell, look there’s no regulation. I used to work at my parents’ pharmacy. We ran a small pharmacy and my mom and pop used to mix quinine for our customers because quinine is generally regarded as a muscle relaxant. People would take our mix and rub it on their muscles and get true relief. So when the government finally decided to crack down on unproven potions and herbs, what did they hit first? You got it…quinine! The one thing that actually works as advertised… quinine!! Can you believe it? I mean they could have gone after all of these companies like Merck that bought up all these herb companies, but no they didn’t…quinine!”

“I see what you mean… I don’t think I’ll be getting the valerian root.”

Jamie nodded.

“Listen, I really appreciate your help here today, what’s your name by the way?”

“Jamie,” he replied, “I don’t usually work here, I’m from the other side of the state and am just helping out around here.”

“Well, it was great meeting you Jamie.”

As I left the counter with my prescriptions and not the valerian root, I was flooded with all sorts of thoughts. Wouldn’t it be cool to watch a TV drama featuring a pharmacist and his assistant? Maybe not, but I bet they’d have some stories to tell.

I also began to understand why Rita might be a little grumpy. There she was a pudgy 60-something year old lady forced to hustle back and forth while the pharmacist gabbed with the customers.

In medieval Sweden, valerian root was sometimes placed in the wedding clothes of the groom to ward off the "envy" of the elves.

I sort of wonder what those elves would do to the groom if he didn’t place the valerian root in his clothes. Did you know that valerian root has an effect on cats and dogs similar to the effect cats have when rolling in catnip? Did you know that real valerian root smells like either moldy cheese or wet dog fur? I guess that’s why dogs like it so much and elves don’t. Everyone knows that elves don’t like moldy cheese.

You’ve just got to educate yourself. That’s the key.