Forever Heroes

Forever Heroes

Heroes, heroes, husky men of war,
Sons of all the heroes, of the war before.
We're all heroes up to our ear o's,
You ask the questions,
We make suggestions,
That's what we're heroes for.

All good heroes love a nifty fight,
Open up the bomb bays, brighten up the night.
We earn laurels solving your quarrels,
You throw the roses,
We punch the noses,
That's what we're heroes for.

What's a hero do?
We're never gonna tell ya
Cause we wish we knew.
That's why we heroes are so few.
We've got a slogan,
From Colonel Hogan,
And Colonel Hogan's a hero too.

Never flinch, boys, never be afraid,
Heroes are not born, boys, heroes all are made.
Ask not why, boys, never say die, boys,
Answer the call, remember we'll all be heroes forever more.

Hogan’s Heroes is on every day somewhere on television. The show, a half-hour situation comedy based on prison life in a German stalag during World War II, starred Bob Crane as the unflappable Colonel Hogan, Werner Klemperer as the bumbling Colonel Klink, John Banner as “I Know Nothing” Sgt. Shultz, Robert Clary as cute little LeBeau, Ivan Dixon as the clever Kinch, Richard Dawson as slick old Newkirk, and Larry Hovis, as the goofy Carter. Amazingly, I remembered that off the top of my head.

I came upon Hogan’s Heroes today as I drifted in and out of sleep, medicated and recovering from hernia surgery in the morning. Immediately upon the first muzzled trumpet note from the opening, I was watching with earnest attention. In this afternoon’s episode, the insulting General Burkhalter (Leo Askin) appeared in Klink’s office and told Klink that he would be in charge of organizing food and security for a high-level dinner meeting of Germany’s greatest military leaders. Ever curious, Hogan and the boys listened to the entire conversation on their secret teapot radio receiver, the audio beamed to them through the magic of a secret microphone dangling in the air just above Klink and Burkhalter’s heads.

Stunned! That’s how I best describe my shock as I considered how foolish Burkhalter had been by suggesting Klink, a man he loathes and considers to be incompetent, be in charge of the MOST IMPORTANT SECRET MEETING IN THE HISTORY OF WORLD WAR II! Why have a high-level dinner meeting catered by a group of Allied prisoners of war? What was HE thinking? What was Burkhalter thinking? It was a recipe for disaster, one that could have easily brought him before the Führer’s firing squad. I can just hear the conversation he would have later with Hitler.

The Führer: General Burkhalter, waren, was denkst du? Wie konnte können Sie Oberst Klink die alliierten Gefangenen verwenden, um die Einfuhr-Führer in Deutschland dienen?

General Burkhalter: Aber mein Führer ...

The Führer: Dumb Scheiße, ist es der Russischen Front für Sie! Jetzt!

Hogan, meanwhile, had Kinch radio the info to London, and they sent word back immediately that Hogan and the boys needed to blow up that meeting and kill all the leaders. Dangerous mission, no doubt. In all the episodes of Hogan’s Heroes, I can’t ever recall seeing Hogan kill anyone. This mission, he intoned, would be voluntary. Of course, they all accepted the challenge, but Newkirk hemmed and hawed a bit, before finally joining the guys in a unified front. That’s just Newkirk’s English way; however, everyone knows he’s a real sport deep down.

Plans were soon developed. Carter, the explosive guy, was commissioned to create exploding table decorations on a fixed timer. Kinch radioed London to send a French-speaking dinner party organizer to take charge of the affair from the inside. Newkirk, the forger, created authentic looking documents establishing the plant. Hogan and the boys then signed on to be the wait staff.

Sneaking our team of heroes into a high-level invasion planning dinner party, would theoretically be just as hard as crashing a Presidential State Dinner. I mean, Secret Service would be on imposters or interlopers like flies on garbage.

Things didn’t quite go as planned; they never exactly do on Hogan’s Heroes. However, in the end everything worked out well. Hogan found out at the last minute from London that the top allied under-cover spy had been a late addition to the guest list. He was after the top-secret invasion plans. London said that the dinner blast must be called off. The agent MUST be saved at ALL costs. With the timers rigged to go off any moment, Hogan had to scramble and devise a plan that would save the agent, snatch the plans, and evacuate the building before the bombs went off. No problem.

Here’s how he did it. Hogan had LeBeau and the French-Speaking dinner party host get into a heated French-speaking argument in the kitchen. He figured that since none of English-speaking German generals understood French (Who does?), the German, English, and French speaking secret agent could be summoned to get to the bottom of the ruckus. So when the fight broke out, Hogan suggested to the top English-speaking generals in Germany that only the new guy on their guest list could speak French and possibly stop the fight. Once the poser was ushered in to the kitchen and Hogan directed Klink and the other German generals to leave, the boys convinced the agent that they weren’t double-double agents, and that he needed to evacuate the building pronto.

Here’s a sample of what might have been said in that fake fight and the clever way in which Hogan got to the agent to believe them.

LeBeau: Je me bats avec vous, mais c'est tout simplement faux.!

Dinner Party Host: Vous êtes un petit homme avec un drôle de chapeau!

LeBeau: Oh oui, bien vous avez obtenu ce creepy, moustache crayon qui ressemble à une visqueuse Peter Sellers dans la Panthère Rose.

Dinner Party Host: Écoutez vous LITTLE crétin! VOUS N'AVEZ PAS LE DROIT DE FAIRE PLAISIR DE ME! Ma mère aurait CRY à vous entendre parler de moi dans UNE TELLE MANIERE RUDE.

Secret Agent: Quel est le problème? Pourquoi vous battez-vous?

Hogan: You’re in danger. We have to get you out now. Come with us.

Secret Agent: Okay, but we must save the plans.

The plans though…how to save the vital plans….

Hogan cleverly told the generals in the room that the room they were in was about to explode and made them evacuate immediately. They complied quickly as they all seemed terrified. After all, when prisoners of war tell you something like your room is about to explode, you’d better pay attention. If anyone knows about explosions, it’s prisoners of war. The secret agent evacuated as well, but he, again cleverly, left his copy of the secret invasion plans behind. LeBeau, meanwhile, took the dumbwaiter up from the basement, sneaked into the room, snatched the plans, and made his way back down just as the table decorations exploded.

Once again, Hogan’s heroes completed their mission, and no one was killed.

Never flinch, boys, never be afraid,
Heroes are not born, boys, heroes all are made.
Ask not why, boys, never say die, boys,
Answer the call, remember we'll all be heroes forever more.