Frenzy

Frenzy

Pulsing, nervous bodies pushed and shoved to gain prime position. Suddenly, the throng parted as the matriarch was allowed free passage over the threshold. Then the jostling and verbal sparring began to rise in anticipation of the starting horn.

“Could I have a moment of silence please?”

“For Jesus.”

So began the 2007 installment of another quirky family tradition, “The Ryder Family Full Contact Annual Easter Egg Hunt. (RFFCAEEH)” Each year, for more years than I can remember, members of my family gather at my parents’ house in Roanoke County, Virginia for a most unusual Easter egg hunt. While you can visit Washington D.C. to see delighted kids led by charming parents roll eggs across the White House lawn or you can take your young nipper on the Easter cluster bomb hunt, our family contest is kind of a cross between the two.

My sister Libby continued to explain the rules and boundaries to the tense group of hunters. “We’ve opened up an extra area this year. You can look for eggs just past the rock wall in the back yard, but the barn (metal shed) is off limits. So is the garden. Of course, there are no eggs in the driveway or past the hedge row in the front yard.”

“Can we tackle each other?” Someone asked.

“The rules don’t limit contact. But once an egg is in a basket, it cannot be taken. And remember…Grandmother may give out red cards for any rough play,” Libby instructed us with a wry grin.

“What about getting a yellow card first?”

“No yellow cards; just immediate red card.”

For about ten to fifteen minutes, each contestant sat sequestered in the family room of my parents’ house while eggs were hidden outside. Libby, Jackie, Sam, Adrienne, Greg, Gordy, Becky, and “Grandfather” (my father) hid the eggs. Since we’ve been doing the hunt for so many years, there are really no new hiding places, although someone did place an egg in the gutter above the back porch in the second hunt.

Inside, the anxious hunters sat impatiently watching The Masters on CBS. Every so often someone would boast about their hunting prowess. This year we were joined for the first time in 25 years by my 30 year old nephew, Jesse. Being new to the game, everyone had to share their best advice with him.

“You have to use an Easter basket.”

“No you can’t use a plastic bag.”

“Beware of Jeane Marie, she always wins.”

“It can get a little rough out there.”

“Watch your eggs, cause you’re going down.”

“Hey, you’re not looking out that window are you? That’s cheating!”

“Here’s how you warm up…”

Jesse took the warming up to heart. He spent a good fifteen minutes loosening up his knees, wobbling them side-to-side like he was doing the Charleston.

Everyone was poised by the door for the hunt to start. Grandmother took up her ceremonial position on the back porch. Libby gave the rules to Joey, Andrew, Jesse, Amy, Holly, Jeane Marie, Sam, Callan, and me. Amy’s fiancé, Rex, was sitting out the competition on injured reserve due to a sore back. All except me were of a younger generation. The youngest was 16 and the oldest (me) was 46. Suddenly, there was a blast from an air horn, and we were off; shot out through the door like cannons. Everyone ran to a different area of the yard and began furiously searching for dyed Easter eggs. Immediately, there was shouting and pushing. Joey and Jesse were tangled up in some kind of dispute over an egg.

All over the yard, you’d hear people shouting “I saw it first!”

“It’s mine!”

As I moved to the front yard, I was followed by Joey. He was snooping along beside me.

“Phew, I finally got rid of Jesse. Wherever I go, he’s right behind me.”

Right on queue, Jesse appeared right behind Joey. They really seemed to be locked into some kind of war. Joey is one of the more muscular of my nephews. At 24, he’s physically mature. While a few years older, Jesse is in sound physical shape, but he’s not quite as large as Joey. I watched as Joey came running into the backyard from the front. Jesse was in hot pursuit, obviously some kind of egg dispute. Then in a most amazing move, Jesse dove and took Joey down to the ground and wrestled an egg from him. There were shouts and laughter. Hooting and hollering. Claims of cheating and other protestations. I wondered for a second what the neighbors must think to see grown men and women running at full speed all around a house with Easter baskets, tackling each other, and yelling.

I didn’t have long to contemplate that thought when it became obvious by the slowing of the action that the first hunt was winding down. A count was taken, and it was determined that there were a few more eggs left out there in the wild. The hiders then began giving clues.

“Tommy’s the closest.” It was true; I was. “Sometimes you just have to get down on your hands and knees and look carefully,” Grandfather offered.

So I dropped down on the ground beside the grass patio and began hand searching. I was immediately joined, like vultures around a fresh kill, by several other hunters. Then I spotted the egg. It was a dark round shadow inside the globe of one of those solar walkway lights. Slowly and carefully so as not to draw attention to my actions, I began to unscrew the light’s globe and quickly snatched the egg from it. With the egg in one hand and the light globe in the other, I fumbled around for a second trying to figure out how I was going to replace the globe without breaking it. That’s all the time the others needed. Suddenly, they were all grasping for the egg I had clutched (been waiting the whole piece to use that pun) in my hand. I turned and twisted away, but Jeane Marie grabbed me, knocked me to the ground and robbed me of my egg. Now you might think that an almost 47 year old solidly built man would be no match for an 18 year old girl, but Jeane Marie is different. She’s an athlete and fierce competitor. She plays on her high school lacrosse team. One story I heard before our hunt was that during one game recently, she was charging down the field to intercept a girl with the ball. When she got to the girl, the girl just fell over backwards flat onto her back to avoid the punishment she was going to experience. No, Jeane Marie is fierce and relentless.

She grabbed my egg as I screamed the injustice of it all, shoved me to the ground, and ran off through the backyard. Meanwhile, other vultures descended on me to see if I had spilled any of the eggs in my basket. My pleas were discounted, however, when I admitted that I hadn’t actually placed the egg in my basket. Jeane Marie was well within the rules to snatch it from me by any means necessary.

With all of the eggs collected, we gathered around the back porch while Grandmother informed us of the special eggs.

“If you have the ‘He is Risen’ egg you get an extra 5 points.”

“What about if you have the ‘Christ is Risen’ egg? Does that count, too?”

“Yes, ‘He is Risen’ and ‘Christ is Risen’ each count five bonus points.”

When all the scores were tallied, to no one’s surprise, Jeane Marie had come out on top with 21 points. She seems to always win these events. I admit that I was a little miffed that she had taken that egg right out of my hands. But the first hunt was over; the results were in the books. There was nothing to do but prepare for the second hunt.

Again all hunters were cloistered in the family room while the hiders went about their business. This time, the hunters were joined by my brother, Greg. It was good to have someone older than me in the hunt now.

After about fifteen minutes, the air horn blew again, and we were out the door. Unbeknownst to the rest of us, Greg had slyly slipped out the front door. All alone in the front yard for thirty seconds or so, he raked in quite a haul of eggs. Meanwhile, I worked my usual area along the back wall of the house and adjacent flower beds.

Soon though, I heard shouting coming from the front yard. Obviously my daughter, Callan, was in some kind of tussle.

“That was my egg! You took it!” She shrieked.

Yup, Jeane Marie was at it again. This time the story that unfolded was quite humorous.* Callan was on her stomach searching for an egg in a bush in the front yard when Jeane Marie came up behind her and pushed her out of the way, grabbing an egg just before Callan got it. Amy, the oldest female niece, saw Jeane Marie attack on Callan and instantly pushed her into the bush head first. That battle instantly became an epic encounter.

At one point, I found myself on the side of the house looking in some tall bushes with Jeane Marie. I realized that this was my opportunity to extract a measure of revenge for the humiliation she inflicted upon me in the first hunt. I saw her quickly reach for an egg hidden in the prickly pyracantha. I instantly shot my hand out, but Jeane Marie saw my attack and reflexively withdrew her hand with the egg. In the process, however, a nasty pyracantha barb found her thumb and drew blood. She pushed on, however with little complaint. A little blood wasn't going to stop her.

Soon the pace slowed, and we moved into clue time. I was a little out of position for the clues this time, but Joey and Jesse along with Holly were right at the epicenter. “I know of one egg somewhere near the back porch.” Immediately, Jesse and Joey initiated a basketball–like block-out maneuver. Holly, standing behind the boys saw the egg first and attempted to lunge through them to grab the egg which was hidden in a crevice where the porch roof met the framing. But the boys proved more powerful. Instantly, they figured out where Holly was going and grabbed for the egg, knocking over an ornamental water can in the process. I’m not sure who ended up with that egg.

Meanwhile, Greg had continued gathering eggs, quietly in a stealth-like manner. When the count was certified, he had won round two. I finished with a feeble five eggs.

It was on to round three. This time, Sam, my son, decided to hunt. He was also joined by Becky and Adrienne. In turn, Joey and Jesse joined the hiders.

The third hunt proceeded a little more calmly than the first two. I suppose we were beginning to get tired. When the final clues were given and the last eggs hauled in, Sam had amassed 26 points, a staggering point total. We pretty much all decided that we were through hunting, and it was time for the prizes.

Libby and Grandmother are always in charge of prizes. Libby collects weird goofy prizes throughout the year. I even helped a bit this year by donating a Chick-fil-a Bowl game stuffed cow, a balsa wood glider, and a bag of onion sets. Grandmother, intrigued by coins her whole life, created some mystery eggs that were obviously stuffed with various coins and bills. The winners were allowed to select their prizes first. Jeane Marie went for a soft dart gun. Greg went for the Chia Pet parsley project, and Sam chose one of Grandmother’s mystery eggs. He ended up with a dollar bill! Then everyone else began taking their prizes. In full contact Easter egg hunting in this family, everyone gets a prize. I picked a mystery egg and got $5.39. Not a bad haul.

Everyone retired to the family room to talk some more about the hunting and catch up on each other’s lives before beginning to filter away. Amy and Rex headed home to North Carolina. Andrew drove off to George Mason University. Joey, Sam, and Holly headed back to Virginia Tech, Greg, Adrienne, Jeane Marie drove home to Catawba. Callan, showing off her new driving skills, drove home with Jackie in the passenger’s seat. I hung around another hour or so and watched a video of Gordy in the Lexington, Kentucky St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Then I bid good evening to Becky, Gordy, Libby, my mother, and my father. Another episode in The Ryder Family Full Contact Annual Easter Egg Hunt (RFFCAEEH) had been written.

Soon we'll all gather in person or virtually for our ARFTCHC (Annual Ryder Family Triple Crown Handicapping Contest). You can hear a radio piece Jesse created for American Public Media's Weekend America (scroll to the bottom "Ryder Stakes") last year.

Joey takes a flying leap to start the first hunt

Everyone fanned out

Camouflage makes hunting a bonding experience

Note how Jesse is standing right behind Joey

Note how Jesse is about to take out Joey

Note how no one will stand next to Jesse/Adrienne and Andrew stay away

I find the "Solar Walkway Light Egg"

Evidence that Jeane Marie (Yellow/running from the scene) brutalized me before stealing my Solar Walkway Light Egg

Jeane Marie and I walk side by side just before I get some measure of revenge


Sisters Holly and Amy plot egg hunting strategy


Holly and her cousin Jesse

Andrew with Grandfather observing the action; Callan and Sam on the left

Becky, Jesse, and Gordon

*The details of this event are in dispute.